Support Needs and the Experiences of Loved Ones

Questions about an individual should always be asked directly to that person. In the case of a minor, the role of the parent or guardian is also central.

It is important to pause and reflect: whose dreams are being pursued, whose goals are prioritized, and what defines a good life?

Because there are systemic gaps in care and educational pathways for neurodivergent individuals, access to support and assistance is often delayed. Support needs are easily misinterpreted as parenting challenges, leading to parents being unfairly blamed, when the real issue is a lack of understanding and available support. If support needs are not recognized, children may hear statements like “you should be able to do this at your age,” which can be damaging and undermine self-esteem.

This often leads to exhaustion among family adults, work absences, and even incapacity for work, all of which affect household income. Neurodivergent challenges are often invisible and therefore underestimated. Families may feel that no one is responsible, leaving them without the support they need.

When support is lacking, parents often must give up a great deal, and their position in the workforce is weakened. For example, a parent rarely receives formal family caregiver (carer) status and remains dependent on the flexibility of their employer.

The social cost of youth marginalization and disengagement ranges, depending on the calculation method, from €300,000 to €1 million. This does not include potential work incapacity among parents.

Untreated challenges are costly: both in terms of lost family income and lost tax revenue. Care pathway diagrams illustrate the costs of care when implemented well versus poorly.

An Inclusive and Supportive School Pathway

Neurodivergent students often fall through the gaps in the education and support system. Invisible challenges can be difficult to understand: if a child has strong learning abilities and no formal learning difficulties, many may not see why school is still challenging. Factors such as sensory sensitivities, social situations, constant mental load, and living as a minority can all affect school life. Often, it feels as if no one takes responsibility for these challenges.

Solutions that could help many students include smaller class sizes, structured and shorter school days, and partially remote learning – experiences from the COVID-19 pandemic have shown its potential. Inclusion is often implemented, but are the resources adequate? Ideally, class sizes should be no larger than around 20 students.

Many children would benefit from in-school assistant support. Some can thrive in general education with sufficient support measures, while others require stronger support and the safety of a small class environment.

Social situations also need to be practiced, but current large schools- with hundreds or even a thousand students – can be extremely overwhelming for neurodivergent students. Calm, smaller learning environments are needed, where social skills can be safely practiced step by step, taking individual needs into account.

It is often assumed that classroom teaching naturally develops non-cognitive skills, such as social skills. However, if a student is overwhelmed, learning is not possible – the body enters a fight – flight – freeze state. Learning becomes possible only when the student feels safe and experiences joy and success.

A person’s potential is lost if only one way of being is accepted. Such rigidity is discriminatory. If current structures and services do not fit, and the student is forced to adapt, there is a risk of exhaustion and anxiety. It is problematic when the blame is placed on the individual or family rather than changing the environment.

The current school support system often fails to recognize situations where a child does not have learning difficulties but requires support in other areas, such as executive functioning. For example, a child may struggle to start tasks, break tasks into manageable steps, stay on track, or understand instructions if they are presented as too large or complex. Many neurodivergent children have strengths and challenges that vary widely. Many neurodivergent individuals have uneven cognitive profiles and are strongly influenced by motivational factors. Some neurodivergent students are twice-exceptional (gifted but also in need of support) – helping them effectively requires expertise. Without adequate support, and if school is overly demanding, learning is hindered, which affects other aspects of life. Often, children manage to cope during school, though this may not be visible externally. After school, exhaustion and stress are released at home, leaving little energy for other activities. This exhausts the whole family and significantly narrows their lives.

Neurodivergent students may also struggle in social situations, which need support at school, including during breaks. Special support needs are not always related to learning difficulties; they can stem from deep sensitivity to overload. The so-called empathy gap – differences in how neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals perceive and interpret situations – can further complicate interactions. This highlights the need for conscious support and guidance in everyday social encounters.

Strengths-based approach and support can be integrated into everyday school life in many ways. Educators need training to recognize students’ strengths and leverage them in teaching. Strengths can be highlighted in feedback, assessments, and discussions with families. Learning environments can also be adapted so that students experience success and can use their own strengths. When support is individualized and guided by positive pedagogical principles, every student can shine in their own way.

Finding the Right Support Requires Guidance

Professionals – whether teachers, nurses, or social workers – are already legally required to guide individuals to the appropriate services. Clients should not need to navigate the service system on their own; it is the professional’s responsibility to ensure that the person receives the information and understands it.

When a child or adult receives a neurodivergent diagnosis, emotions can range from relief to shock, worry, and grief. In these moments, it is especially important to have support and guidance, so that the new situation does not feel isolating.

Moving Away from Unnecessary Confrontation

Behaviors that are perceived as challenging can appear differently in different environments. This may create friction among adults working with the child and lead to perceptions that someone is acting poorly or lacks skill when the individual’s reactions are more pronounced in a particular setting. However, it is typical for a person to regulate their behavior differently depending on the environment.

Raising a Neurodivergent Child Is a Lifelong Journey

Raising a neurodivergent child, like parenting in general, is not easy. It is a long journey that can bring a wide range of emotions- toward one’s own parenting, personal abilities, or the child. Parents often struggle for years at the limits of their endurance due to shortcomings in the support system, having to navigate an overwhelming amount of information and services.

Feelings of inadequacy and guilt can be present, and experiences of loneliness and isolation are common. Things that once were taken for granted may suddenly feel impossible. Some hopes and plans parents have for their child may not happen as expected. When a child is overwhelmed or expresses themselves differently through behavior, parents often carry deep concern and fear for the child’s future – wondering how they will manage later in life.

At the same time, a child’s life can become easier as they grow older, gaining more opportunities and freedom to live in a way that suits them.

The Importance of Support

The environment does not always provide sufficient support for families with a neurodivergent member. Well-meaning advice can come from many directions, but without firsthand experience of daily life, it may be difficult to respond with genuine understanding. Often, there is a misconception that stricter discipline would solve the situation. Forcing a child rarely helps. It can even lead to the child hiding their true needs and feelings- masking to cope. Masking increases stress and drains energy. Learning flexibility happens gradually, and initially, it is the adult who adapts, allowing the child to practice safely and at their own pace.

A child who behaves differently often attracts attention: they may be commented on, their parents judged, and advice offered from multiple sources. It is important to remember, however, that regardless of what the child does or how they act, both the child and their caregivers are worthy and good just as they are.

Ways You Can Help

• Listen and be present; do not advise, judge, or try to solve the problem.
• Try to understand the family’s different daily life with empathy; show interest and attention.
• Don’t wait to be asked for help- offer it proactively. Ask what would be helpful for the family.
• Avoid making assumptions. Ask if something is unclear or concerning.
• Show that the family is not alone in managing a challenging everyday life.

Every reaction has an underlying emotion or needs- even when it appears challenging.